Updated: Jun 19
Disclaimer: The following is for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is not meant to advise or encourage any action. It is also not to serve as a tool for identification of any mushrooms. Enjoy.
I ate a small amount of Psilocybe Azurescens. It was an amount typical of a micro dose with most of the psilocybe species. These mushrooms are POTENT though. Nearly twice as potent as many of the mainstream mushrooms of the Psilocybe species. Next, I sat in meditation with my eyes closed. Because of the size of the dose, I expected a slightly deeper than normal meditation but nothing much beyond that.
After some time, the blackness I saw began to take structure. It was still dark, but it now appeared to have a lighter black or brownish tinge to it with varying levels of depth. The darkness began shaking a bit like a light earthquake. I felt myself being pushed up through the blackness, which I now could tell was dirt, and then tall grass began to appear all around. My vision was cloudy. It reminded me of times four wheeling, when I would wipe mud off my goggles, leaving behind a smear mark. I began to smell/taste the memorable odor of the swampy mud I had found the mushrooms in. It was as if I was watching the mushroom's memory of emerging from the ground. I thought to myself, “This feels like a rebirth (or maybe just 'a birthing').” At the same time it felt like my brain was unpacking or reorienting my own memories behind the scenes.
As I (or the mushroom?) pushed up through the ground, I simultaneously began seeing and recalling random memories from throughout my life. Certain things were becoming clear about many events and people all at the same time. It was a lot. People’s true essence was being exposed without the labels I had given them based off of one or two impactful events. I could see that I had assigned very simplistic identities to people: good, bad, friend, enemy, angry, helpful. All of these identities were formed off of one or two interactions early in our relationship and because of this, every future interaction was interpreted through that lens.
I was also now seeing FULL memories and realized that what I had previously called memories were actually stories about my interpretation of these events. Partial memories. Partial truths. Illusions of the past.
Like I said, it was A LOT. I was experiencing and seeing everything simultaneously as well. I can best describe it as being in a room filled wall to wall with televisions. Each television was broadcasting something different, and I was able to take in and comprehend as many of the televisions (or memories) as I could fit into my field of vision at once, while still being aware of the presence of all of the televisions in the room.
All of this was occurring over a period of minutes. Ten minutes at most if I had to guess, but with both meditation and psilocybin, time gets a bit strange. As the memories/thoughts began to overtake the mushroom scene, I wondered why I was experiencing such things. Mostly, I was wondering what to do with them. Things were happening so fast, and it felt like a clarity of some sort... BUT it was so much. I wanted to cling to this clarity. I wanted to remember everything that was happening. Every detail. I wasn’t sure if I should open my eyes to slow the process and record the things I was experiencing or if I should wait.
I literally asked using the voice in my head, “What do I do with this?” Something answered. I’m not sure if it was my subconscious, the mushroom, my higher self, God or some alien being, but the answer was so true, pure and clear. Where it came from did not matter. It casually said, “You just let it all go.”
I didn’t want to. I thought, “This is the clarity I’ve been searching for.”
In the same tone it repeated, “You just let it all go.”
I have had psilocybin experiences before that have brought tremendous healing and transformation. I’m aware of the process and trust this medicine, so I chose to trust what was happening and without question. I let go. It was like a gripping feeling in my mind was holding onto my thoughts. I let go.
Instantly, the memories and thoughts that had over taken the mushroom rebirth scene that I was experiencing fell into the background as the view of the grasses came back into frontal focus. I can best describe it as a transition in a PowerPoint presentation.
I could now clearly see the grass land through the point of view of the mushroom, crystal clear. I felt peaceful and serene. As I moved my eyes side to side (still closed). It was like I was looking around.
For a moment, I wondered where the other thoughts had gone and if I still remembered them. When I thought about this, an overwhelming feeling took me over and the grass scene began to blur. I let go again. The grass came back into focus.
Over the next few minutes the grass scene faded, and I returned to my normal meditative state. I waited a few more minutes, and I opened my eyes. I felt well rested but not overly energetic. The objects in my room looked beautiful but not psychedelic, wavy or trippy. I believe they always looked this way, I was just now paying more attention. Appreciating.
The rest of my day went on as normal. It was meant to be a somewhat chill day, regardless of the mushrooms, and it was just that. I went to the store. I made some food. I watched a show, and I read a book. Beyond the meditative experience, I experienced no other side effects or anything that would limit me or inhibit me from doing anything I would have had planned for any day.
I have since thought a lot about the experience. I don’t feel like I was zapped and morphed into something new. Rather, I feel as though I was taught a lesson or given a new set of tools to use, if I choose. I also realize that I could shrug the experience off as nothing, like a tv show or lecture that I found to be useless, and my life would in no way be effected good or bad.
That’s the magic of psilocybin. It’s not a bandaid like many prescription medications. It’s also not a healer or a cure. It is a teacher. What you ask for it will give you, but it will give it to you in the form of lessons and tools. The true healing with psilocybin begins after “The Trip.” When you choose to integrate those lessons and tools into your life, you become the healer. Then you begin to heal.
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